Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
