you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
