Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
