Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
