The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
