I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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