apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
