She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
