I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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