I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
