I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
