I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
