I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
