I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can you bring me the toilet please
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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