WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
