I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
