It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
