don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
