When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
