thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
