im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
