Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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