for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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