I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
