Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
