you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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