i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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