Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
