The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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