This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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