Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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