Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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