He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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