You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
