She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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