Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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