ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
