i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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