Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
