dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
