he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
