bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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