woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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