I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
