I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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