Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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