i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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