Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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