Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
