so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
